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A New Year and Hopefully a New Start.
I’m not holding my breath, I’m not going to Jinx myself by buying into the change. But I think the latest medication change MIGHT be working. They finally switched him to Lithium and after about a month I started to notice a pretty decent change. Did he completely fuck my birthday and the holidays AGAIN this year? Yes. But even I have to admit that the damage was done months ago and just now caught up with us.
He has been honestly going to work and I have been able to verify it through records. He’s been working tons of overtime and bringing home larger checks to try and make up for the shortages he caused. He’s been helping with the pets, helping with the house pretty consistently. Like I said I don’t want to jinx it by saying he’s back to the good man he used to be, honestly I’ll probably never see that guy again, but if I can at least live without the constant disasters, creditors beating down my door, the rampant cheating and the stealing I think We can make this work.
Or at least I can stand to stick around until I am able to build a foundation to where I can support myself. Lots of shit has happened in the rest of my life. My dad had to go have some of his toes cut off because he doesn’t take care of his diabetes and now he won’t speak to me. We weren’t fighting, he lives 5 states away… but He refused to talk to us for weeks and when I finally got to him he screamed at me about why I was doing this to him and hung up. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. After having been the only one out of his 17 kids that didn’t abandon him when he went completely crazy and ran out of money to pass out like candy, now HE hates ME. I can’t keep up with what reasons he has dreamed up to throw a fit about now I have better things to do with my time and my own life is a mess. I told his sister to keep me posted, but I don’t have time to fight to have him be a decent human anymore.
My biological mother is also being a typical shitty person. SHe never was a mother to me, but calls herself “MOM”. I call her by her name, I don’t hate her, or have any bad feeling about her giving me up. Life wasn’t easy for me, but I’m sure it was a million times better than it would have been living in a dead white trash town, with a druggie boozer white trash family and a mother that didn’t want me. I had better experiences and opportunities than I would have with her and she was free to get an education and live her life… no hard feelings. Her twin just died and her brother who she has seen every day forever died a few months before. So you would think she would be wanting to not be a douche.
I called her because she was in the hospital and others were calling me, she said she would call me… she never did so I called her. she said she’d call me back the next day. Day came and went, then Thanksgiving came and went, then my birthday came and went… no call. I had to get my Christmas cards out and wanted to verify her address because she moved so I called her. had to call three days in a row and finally tell someone else whose house she was at to tell her to answer the phone. I talked to her, got the address, seemed fine and said she’d call me the next day. Day came and went, Christmas Eve, came and went, Christmas day came and went… no call. I texted her Merry Christmas on Christmas and tried to call her a couple times yesterday, nothing. I texted her yesterday and said Happy new year, nothing. I got a message from my cousin, whose house she was at, telling me happy NY and I told her that she won’t answer the texts or calls so she could pass it on that I’m calling, and nothing still. I’m sure there will be nothing tomorrow.
I could understand all of these people not wanting to talk to me if I was a bitch or a complainer or a drag or something, but I’m not, I save that for you or my journals. In person I am jolly, funny, interested in what others have to say and other than to relay a funny experience or bit of info, I don’t really talk about myself or what is going on with me no matter how bad it is… so it’s not like I’m driving people away with gloom and doom. I’m not vested in her as a daughter, or rather as her being my mother, because she never has been… I just guess I’m put out because she’s wasted my time and played games. I hate when people think that saying they will do something counts as having done it so they can fuck you around. Why do people think you get credit just for saying you’ll do something?
This year I’m not taking shit off of anyone that doesn’t pay my bills. I won’t be a slave to someone else’s schedule or feelings. No one EVERY goes out of their way to help me out, be there for me or accommodate me, and I’m through doing it for everyone else. I sent out 15 Christmas cards, all but two people wanted my address back to send me one… other than my aunt who sent me a package and not a card, my dad who probably didn’t get it because he’s in rehab but being an asshole anyway, and three of my friends… I didn’t get a fucking peep out of anyone else. So 10 people said, “Oh that’s sweet, she never forgets about me and spends her own money to make sure I feel loved during the holiday… FUCK THAT BITCH!”
The world is going to shit, there is no point in fighting the homophobic racist bigot right wing women hating zealots who don’t believe in science. They will win, they will always win because they outnumber the good people. Incels, Nazis, Republicans, money-grubbing Democrats… I fucking hate them all, they’ve ruined this world.
I Honestly Still Can’t Handle Telling You Everything In Detail
I am so mentally exhausted from almost two weeks solid of fighting with this bastard. He was smoking pot, buying pot at work, buying it from another friend of ours, he’s been skipping out of work 2 days a week for over a month, to go sit in parking lots around town stoning out. He hasn’t been paying the bills again. If there was something he could lie about, he DID. He was yelling at me about how he was having to get up at 3am and having to stay late and blah blah blah all the while he wasn’t even at work. He would just disappear and smoke pot and stuff his face all day.
He never renewed our car registration… STILL, wasn’t paying the bills, didn’t renew our lease. I’m so disgusted. Every time I think he is doing good, it’s just that he is hiding it better. My life shouldn’t revolve around trying to fucking investigate his goddamned loser ass. I just mentally can’t handle getting into the details on this one yet. It has been as exhausting as the last time and I just can’t.
I still have some things to get organized in my life. I’ve been working on my books and files this week. I have my books down from over 1,000 (almost 1,500) down to under 250. It sounds boring and like a waste of time, I know. But organizing not only calms me, but it’s part of living a more streamlined life.
He is NEVER EVER going to stop lying and stealing and I know that I have to get away from him if I am ever going to be happy… or even normal.